Passion drives me while reason holds the reins.



Creativity

Olive and I come up with the most ludicrous things to talk about after midnight. We went from karaoke party, to watching Rebel Wilson videos, to me wanting to be an ambassador, to watching How To Learn Vietnamese videos, to getting ideas for a bohemian bedroom, to creating our own website. Strangely, I think this is all cohesive in some way. My brain is very good with transitioning ideas; however, it probably only makes sense in my own imaginary world haha. I like it though. Now that my thoughts are flowing, I find it exciting to start them. Off to the the dream-mobile! Destination: somewhere.

Permalink · 1 year ago

Stressed

September is going to be a stressful month for me. Why? 2 reasons. Schools and bills. It just so happens that school starts in the same month as my yearly cycle for the new phone plan, car insurance, and rent. Since it’s the first month of my new phone plan, I have to pay for the previous month under an old account and pay ahead of time + activation fee for my new account. I have a family plan so I am supposed to pay for everyone. That is going to be about $400…ridiculous…this doesn’t even include the cost that I paid to get my new phone and my sister’s (thankfully my mom decided to pay for that!). Then I get to pay for my car insurance, I have like the crappiest unheard of car insurance, but that is still costing me like $600. As for rent, since I’m taking over the lease again, and not moving in until the 8th, my prorated rent is only $390 for september…if I decide to renew my contract for October, I get to pay $563 a month, yay -_- And drama is starting between my roommate and I over something so stupid (won’t get into it). I also have to pay for the utilities shared between all of us at the apt, another ~$40. My job does not pay enough for this shit -_- Financial aid, please help me…

I was annoyed as it was over my roommate situation, and this bill stuff just adds to it. So I started crying silently in my room, frustrated, and my mom happens to walk in. I told her to leave and she offers to pay for some of my stuff which makes me cry even more because I know she’s trying to help, but I need to do this on my own. I want her to keep the money she works for herself since she works like a dog for practically nothing. Which makes me cry even more, and makes her extra persistant in paying for my stuff. To make matters worse, she just stands at my door watching me cry as I tell her nicely to leave, and we can talk tomorrow…she continued to stand there for another 5 minutes. So awkward. She must think Will and I got into a fight because she asked what was wrong (Will had just left my house 5 minutes prior to her walking in on me).

This part is random, but I’m expressing my annoyance at people who think they have such hard lives because they have to study for something. Forreals? All students have to study. Including me. But do you have to deal with repaying debts for your dad’s funeral? Do you live well below the poverty line? Do you have to drive back in forth to take care of your mother and sister AND try to go to school, study, and work? I highly doubt that, so shut the fuck up about me giving you added stress because you already have this weight on your shoulder from school stuff. And as stressed out as I am, I know that there are people who have it wayyyy worse, so don’t try to victimize yourself and make me feel bad for asking you one simple request. The nerve.

Permalink · 1 · 2 years ago

Love

I feel as if love has turned into an obsessive thing. Constantly thinking about him and wanting to be next to him all the time makes me feel so icky…barf. I just always want to be with him, and I feel as though it shouldn’t be that way. We should have separate lives, without pushing the other one aside…you know, making time for your friends and making time for your significant other. I cheat a bit by combining my boyfriend and my friends, not giving both parties my complete attention. The way I see it is 1)I want to hang out with my friends without missing my boyfriend so I bring him along 2)I hang out with my boyfriend but I miss my friends so I invite them everywhere. Plus, the fact that we work together adds to this obsessive thing. I see couples that have been together 3,4,5 years and they break up. When I see that I feel as if there is a time limit…so the more often I see him, the more time is taken off the love clock. If I spend less time with him, maybe our love clock with allow us to extend the duration of our relationship. I’m weird, I know. If it’s true love, it will last blah blah blah. It feels true and I can wholeheartedly say I can and want to spend my entire life with him. I can see us working separate jobs, living in the same apartment, getting married, buying a new house/car, having kids, and raising them to be the best damn kids ever. However, I feel that everyone “in love” must have felt this for every bf/gf they’ve had since you wouldn’t want to be with someone if you didn’t feel this way. Am I being naive? Thinking too much makes my head hurt. So I just try to ignore my brain and just embrace all the lovey dovey times we have.

It’s eerie to me that we aren’t tired of each other yet. Or maybe we are just so used to having each other there physically and emotionally, so we are attached to the extent that we need each other for that feeling of comfort. It’s nice though. Seeing him everyday brightens my day, as if waking up isn’t really worth it if I don’t see him. I like doing normal everyday stuff with him, like running errands or going to the mall. He’s the best shopping buddy, gives his opinion on all my outfit choices. When we take lunch breaks, things get complicated because he hates healthy veggie stuff and only wants meat…the default is always pho because he loves that shit. We both love and I mean LOVE H&M and Target, our go to stores when we have nothing to do. He doesn’t let me go to Ikea very often because I’m inclined to buy things I don’t have any use for (also cool that he’s very knowledgeable in Ikea items because he used to work there). I like that we are both comfortable around each other’s family. He’s met and been around the few relatives that I have, and he’s introduced me to his entire family who are all very sweet. We’ve shared stories from our past relationships and scandals (only because we were on a friend level first). That fact that we’ve done that and still managed to get into this relationship shocks me. However, I still learn things about him from time to time because he isn’t an endless storyteller like I am. We’ve learned each other’s habits kinda, we claim to know each other and both of us always deny any accusations. I like that he cracks silly vulgar jokes, and plays games, and always tends to my needs (well, the ones that I whine about most efficiently because he only gives in begrudgingly). I like when he plays with his dog and other cats, its cute because he thinks they succumb to him. And I’m a huge gossip queen, so it’s actually nice that he listens and runs to me when he hears of juicy secrets. We’ve started many shows together, and it’s a great way to kill time.

As alike as we kinda are, we are just so different sometimes. Our stances on religion greatly differs, I believe there is a reason and need for it while he just straight up hates it. He’s the type to stick to his opinions regarding most situations, while I’m the type that’s more sympathetic and tries to see the other side of every argument. He’s much more introverted, shy, and reserved at first, while I’m loud, talkative, and almost aggressive. Our tempers are pretty similar though haha. He’s into the modern stuff, while I like the romantic essence of contemporary stuff. There’s alot of other little things.

I like finding interesting quirks and habits or distaste/affinity to certain things interesting. He hates bugs, I find them interesting. We both read Reddit. He loves online games, I have no understanding of anything related to the field. We both like watching videos about cyst popping, ear wax, and the likes. He dislikes taking picture while I love getting pictures of myself taken. We have bad spending habits. I have a bad sense of direction, his are even worse…way worse.

Random thoughts I usually have late at night/early morning. G’night tumblr.

Permalink · 1 · 2 years ago
Permalink · 1 · 2 years ago

Sad

Will told me Juan, one of the cooks, got fired today. I cried in front of everyone while we were eating. I felt so attached to him even though we weren’t buddies or even understood each other. The thing is, Juan is the only “old” cook. He is this old man who barely speaks any english, but he always has on the biggest smile. He’s always smiling and grinning in this innocent way that makes you want to love him. I could tell he has a good heart and works really hard. Sometimes I see him eat by himself and I feel sad that he’s sitting alone, even though I’m sure he doesn’t mind. I feel so happy when I see him because he looks so pure…like he would never do anything bad to anyone. My spanish speaking coworker told me that Juan came to America by himself so that he could make money to send back to his wife and kids in Mexico. That’s all he dedicated his life to. I can’t imagine how lonely he must be. I really hope he has relatives or other family nearby that settled in America who keeps him company. He told my coworker that he was let go for nothing. He must have felt so sad…and the thought of him losing his smile made me cry and is making me cry now. It’s so weird how I could feel such emotions for a man I didn’t really know. I really hope Juan is able to find a better job, and make good money, and will get to see his family in Mexico again one day.

Permalink · 2 · 2 years ago